Brushfire of Freedom
The Irritable Pundit
Hello all,
<insert Mission Impossible theme here>
Getting an advance copy of the President's forthcoming State of the Union address was a difficult assignment. I had to haunt shadowy alleyways, hold clandestine meeting with a one-eyed secret agent by the code-name of BigEd, wildly cavort with an exotic dancer named Natasha who had an eastern european accent and 6 inch stiletto heels, and I had to eat at Arby's -- more than once.
Ok, ok... so Natasha may not have been completely necessary, but why risk* it?
*note: the real risk is making a joke to which the lovely Mrs. Irritable Pundit may take offense, but you my dear readers are worth it.
After much searching and skulking about, I finally snagged the folder I was looking for. Rappelling down a curiously sticky wall of the Capital Building, I leaped to my trusty steed (Suzi the Suzuki) and sped off into the night with my ill-gotten gains. I now share those gains with you.
This economy will self destruct in 5, 4, 3...
Do Not Distribute: Draft Copy SOTU 2010
Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you to the citizens of United States for electing me, Barack Obama, as President. This was without a doubt the most historic event in generations, eons even. This past year has been amazing hasn't it? Let me first thank Harry Reid and Speaker Pelosi for being mindless lemmings. I couldn't have shaken Wall Street without you. Thank you Mr. Vice President Joe Biden for being idiotic enough to almost completely overshadow my own ineptitude. Finally, let me thank Barney Frank for a creepiness-level that makes me look like a saint.
As to the State of the Union. I, Barack Obama, come to you tonight as so many lesser Presidents have come before. Because now I am the President, which I am, that is the office that is filled with myself, and will share with you the State of the Union of this great country which I lead, as President. Me.
I know that I don't look like the Presidents who've previously given the State of the Union, because lets face it, all white people look alike. And I am not white, as I am historically black, in a very authentically ethnic sort of way, my mother not-withstanding. Which is why you should all be proud to have elected me, in spite of my complete lack of ability, conscience, or understanding of governance.
The journey that led me here is improbable. My butler woke me at half past seven, my chef made a breakfast of arugula and poached eggs, after which I rinsed with mouthwash. Then, my personal valet forgot my Axe body spray which meant that I couldn't wear yesterdays suit and had to embrace change. Finally, my driver took the wrong exit and we almost went to Virginia, but as you can see I persevered and I stand before you, still with minty fresh breath! That is the audacity of Scope.
Since the end of the the previous Administration, or as we call it "in the year 1 BO" (Before Obama), much has changed. For example, the economy is in the toilet. I know some of you have suggested that we've hit rock bottom, but let me be clear, nothing could be further from the truth. There is still more I can do, to drag us down even further.
For the economy must change so that I, like so many others in the forgotten corners of the world, can achieve vengeance against imagined slights. This vengeance requires the loss of freedom and opportunity only promised by mindless socialism. We will drive taxes up, and the standard of living down for millions! That is why I'm here. And you are here because you too know that yearning, or at minimum you know a stripper named Natasha.
When I first began to socialize and nationalize the various banks and car companies, many of you scoffed. The odds were stacked against success. But in the darkest hours, I knew that we could make them darker still. For there is no challenge too great for a leader, when the populace sleeps as one.
Now we are called upon again, you and I (but mainly "I"). The task will not be easy. As we speak, there are those trying to turn back the clock towards prosperity. But we, all of you little tiny people and I, Barack Obama, the President, must unite against them!
The world will watch and remember what we do from here - what we do with this moment. Will we resolve to not accept basic economics? Will we claim that we can live on skittles and rainbows? Will we acknowledge that there are no more powerful examples than the straw men each of us employs when faced with conservative thinkers? That if we take all the money from the rich, the poor will somehow be less poor?
Yes, we can! Fired up and ready to go!
Let me be clear, again, which is clearer even. The scale of our challenge is great. Can we absorb and use for our own ends 1/6th of the US economy through supposed health care reform, without that 60th vote in the Senate?
Yes we can! Fired people ready to go broke!
The road ahead will be long. But I, Barack Obama the President, say we can defeat the forces of those who understand math through sheer volume with the able assistance of our lapdogs in the mainstream media. And tonight I proudly say to you that the State of our Union is hosed! We must continue and move forward!
This is our moment. Now is our time!
Thank you and may (mumble mumble) bless America!
<Axlerod: insert looped cheers here, then cut to Olby and Tingles. Thx, Rahm.>
End: Draft Copy SOTU 2010
See you next week!
Contact The Irritable Pundit Brushfire Home
Copyright 2010. The published content is the sole property of the author. Any copy, use, or redistribution of any portion of the material without the written consent of the owner is a violation of international copyright laws.