Brushfire of Freedom
The Irritable Pundit
Memorandum from the desk of the Speaker of the House. The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
To: members of the Democrat Caucus.
Hello all,
As we get back into session we have many challenges ahead of us. This memorandum is a preview of a speech I plan to give at our annual caucus. It is also a guideline that we hope you will follow. By which I mean you will follow, or we will move your desk into a sub-basement.
There are 3 major problems before us, but there is one answer to them all.
1) The housing bubble.
Yes, we created laws that allowed banks to make loans to people who could not possibly pay them back. It is also true that we threatened lawsuits under civil rights legislation to ensure that they did so. And yes, Barney and the cards on the committee are trying to take Tarp profits and force banks to make more loans to people who can't pay them to get us out of this mess. Oil on a fire? Sure. But we have a sure-fire answer to criticism.
2) The faltering economy
It is true that we are out of money, and the debt we have is unsustainable. And that we are trying to resolve this issue by spending even more money we do not have and increasing the amount of debt we owe. Now normally, digging your way out of a hole is not seen as the greatest approach, but there is a way out!
3) Barak Obama's utter ineptitude.
Ok, we all knew he was not up for it, but the simple fact is that he had all the right checkboxes filled out and guaranteed a win over the Republicans, so we went with him anyway. Admittedly, the curve ball of Sarah Palin almost wrecked our plans, but even her star power was not enough to make up for John McCain. The problem is that Obama is possibly the most inept President since Jimmy, and so far he has insulted every ally, emboldened every enemy and basically broken everything he has touched. We knew he was not very bright, but who could have foreseen this train-wreck? Yes, the government is a shambles, but we have an answer!
Answer: Blame Bush!
People have been blaming their problems on Bush for years! Every stupid mistake, every indiscretion. They just shrug and say they "Did it for Bush". Come on, who hasn't heard someone say that? Clinton blamed older Bush for his problems. It was his constant refrain, a perfect ready-made excuse he used all the time. In fact, I think in a way it is fair to say that Clinton loved the Bush he got!
Regardless, it worked for Clinton, so why stop now? Thanks to our own Bush, we can keep on using the same strategy! Bush is the gift that keeps on giving! Everyone in America agrees. Bush is always on everyone's mind! Even my chief of staff said so! Just the other day he was heading out to a bar for a drink. I asked him "Why do you need to go clubbing?" he answered, "Bush!" What else needs to be said?
When he was president I called him my own, just like you did. On 9/11, I proudly stood up in the house and said, "This is MY Bush!" The old boys club in the house were stunned, but I showed them!
Now to be honest, I personally never really liked Bush. To each his or her own, but Bush wasn't for me. But I gotta tell you, in those lonely and scary nights after 9/11, I needed comfort and I turned to Bush. Of course I kept it secret for obvious reasons. No one knew, not even my husband. Though to be completely truthful, I think part of him would have liked it.
So that is the game plan! We blame Bush for every problem, no matter how far-fetched. Housing? Bush! The economy? Bush! Obama was recently caught ogling a 16 or 17 year old girls' backside on camera at the G8? Blame Bush!
Get out there, and drive it home! Go after Bush!
Thank you,
Nancy Pelosi
The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
Office Of the Speaker
H-232, US capital
Washington, DC 20515
(202) 225-0100
PS. A few committee notes:
1) I have no idea why staffers and interns were all giggling hysterically while I was practicing this speech in the galley, but I expect you all to speak to your interns about decorum!
2) In the fall session, we will focus on the former Vice President and legislation, specifically how Cheney blocked every piece we tried to get. Does anyone have a good title suggestion?
3) I have heard some snide remarks about Plastic surgery, Botox, and hair dye, and I want it stopped immediately. Women always look like this around 70.
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