Higher Learning, with the Irritable Pundit!

 Brushfire of Freedom

The Irritable Pundit

Greetings one and all!  Welcome to this semester's orientation at the University of Irritable Punditry!  

We here at Old U-IP, hope you all have a pleasant and uplifting time in your studies.  However, due to the current abysmal lack of understanding in America, there are a few changes to the published curriculum.    I, the one and only Irritable Pundit, have decreed that all students must complete a brief introduction to common sense and rational thinking.  Do not think of it as remedial education, but rather as an opportunity to have your educational footing assessed by your extraordinarily handsome and sane guide to life! The one, the ONLY, Irritable Pundit!

Now, now.  Do not try to curry favor with a standing ovation (however well deserved).  It will not affect your grade as we are not part of the Teacher's Union here at Old U-IP.   So, please open your course handbook (page 1, dear friends) and lets begin with the assessment questionnaire.  

Question 1 - Relationships. 

Describe the relationships between the first and second occurrence of each paired item below.

1) Watching Sean Penn act.

2) Hearing Sean Penn's twisted political concepts

1) Listening to Madonna

2) Watching Madonna try to convince us she is still sexy and young

1) Jeannine Garofalo quietly staring at you

2) Jeannine Garofalo uttering so much as a single syllable

1) Waterboarding

2) Bamboo shoots driven under your nails with a hammer

Answer

In each case, the first is unpleasant, the second is torture. 

Question 2 - Please choose the most correct

A promise to "live within our means" is to "4 trillion in increased spending" as:

a) "fiscal responsibility" is to "Democrats"

b) "honest journalism" is to "MSNBC"

c) "fair documentary" is to "Michael Moore" 

d) All of the above

Answer

d) All of the above!   As we say in Latin,  "DVH!"

As a clever side-note for the class, mathematicians have proven that "an MSNBC report by Keith Olbermann on a documentary by Michael Moore covering Obama's fiscal responsibility" would create such a density of male bovine excretions that the weight thereof could not be contained within any structural form -- instantly causing it all to collapse into a black hole.  Life on Earth would end within 24 hours, Jack Bauer's best efforts aside.  

And you thought the Hadron Collider was scary. Sleep well.

Now then, enough of the witticisms and bon mots, back to the class material! Huzzah!

Question 3

As president you have authorized 4.3 trillion in unfunded spending, with an already existent fiscal year forecasted budget deficit of 1.75 trillion, backed by Treasury notes purchased on the international market.  The debt will require it to be serviced over 50 years.  To assist in retiring the debt, you cut current spending by a one-time amount of 100 million dollars.  How much of the interest will be covered by that 100 million?

a) 10 year's interest

b) 2  year's interest

c) 1 year's Interest

d) 1 day's interest

Answer

d) 1 days interest.   

Yes, I am serious. Though to be fair, it IS a trick question so try not to be too upset if you missed that one.  As the 100 million in "cuts" was based on a vastly increased budget beyond the previous baseline, it is actually only a decrease on the increase, which makes it a pseudo-cut at best.  More to the point, if you think even that pseudo-cut will actually materialize you haven't been paying attention in class.

Pencils down!  Well students, how did you do?

Grading:  

3 of 3 - Congratulations! You exceed the minimum requirements for this University. You are obviously a conservative and we look forward to your studies here at U-IP!

2 of 3 - Well done!  Though the mainstream media is still weaving its spell around you, you have the requisite ability to break free of those ideological chains!  Welcome to U-IP!

1 of 3 - The truth is starting to sink in, but only just.  You need this institution.  Study very hard while here, and turn off the evening news.

0 of 3 - You are an idiot, and an Obama supporter.  But I repeat myself.

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